That Time I Lost My Drive to Write

I’m afraid that I’ve become too protective of my emotional vulnerability that the idea of writing was just… gone.

I’ve gone hiatus on this platform for too long, but hey, it didn’t mean quitting and re-doing things, and making a new website “for a fresh start” again (Oh, the excuses that I have for not being such a consistent person). And unlike how I used to do quick posts, which usually comprise of apologizing for my inactivity and making promises that I won’t probably make up for, I am writing this because I’d like to share (and partly make up for my inactivity, yes) some things that won’t probably hurt anyone. Maybe it’ll answer why I haven’t been publishing anything (old or new), maybe it won’t.

I don’t know if this is just a phase, but do you know that stage in drinking where you just had too many drinks already and you feel like vomiting but you keep drinking anyway? That part where you are sure that you’re going to black out soon and have one hell of an hangover by the time you will wake up, but you just keep on drinking and re-filling that solo cup until your consciousness dies, and you passed the fuck out somewhere in this world.

Do you ever feel like relationships founded on petty and superficial things are exactly just how that phase is? Like you already know that this relationship will go downhill sooner or later, but you just go with it. Like a bad habit you cannot resist. It gets worst when you involve yourself in that kind of thing again and again, to the point where you already know when one will end.

God, I am sick of it.

This is not of course, a cry to discredit other people’s problems, and of course I take part the blame and the responsibility for how things have been.  I just feel like I’ve been left to dry for far too long and for so many times that I shut myself down from sublimating my hurt from those experiences into this one thing that I love doing: writing.

I am constantly in awe of how something intrinsic as emotions can be captured by something of high cognitive functioning: the use of language. My fuel in writing are my emotions, if I became overprotective of them and not make sense of why I am feeling them, I would not be able to do something that I love. It’s already in this blog’s tag line, “Blur the Rhyme: fueled by emotional downpour“.

Sublimating into writing my emotions and thoughts of experiences of being taken for granted, made me feel as if I am re-living and re-feeling the same kind of hurt again.

I was left to dry again just recently, and usually when I feel hurt from an experience, the first thing I do is to write. Poems, mostly. But just as I said, the recent experience did not made me write anything at all.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I took this one seriously. And I didn’t involve myself in the relationship in the first place with this thought that hey, if this goes downhill it would be quits because I’d be loaded with emotions again that will fuel me to write! (sarcasm)

That one was sarcastic of course, deriving inspiration from a break-up is one of the blessings in disguise of life. But of course, deliberately putting yourself in that godforsaken situation sounds fucked up, unless you find pleasure in hurt. I’ll pass on that one, no thank you. I’m already sick of feeling hurt, the fact that I am partly responsible for what I feel only adds fuel to the fire.

I don’t know when I will be able to write new poems again. I don’t know why I’m even sharing this with you guys. It’s just hard to not do what you love to do.

With that being said, there are at least three points that I gained from this awful experience, things you might find helpful when life fucks you up too much.

  1. There is no such thing as having too much drinks on ice cold beer. (Just kidding, drink responsibly.)
  2. It’s okay to vomit when you feel like you had too may drinks already, just don’t do it on someone else’s face/shirt/pants/car
  3. No seriously, that too-many-drinks metaphor meant freeing yourself from bad habits, abusive relationships, petty attitude, or from letting other people take you for granted. Take a break, love yourself. We all need to.

So that’s it! I’m not a motivational speaker/writer or any of that sort, I just feel like shit feeling like this for some time now, trying to figure why on earth do I not feel like writing anymore. Hopefully, things will get back on track after this, and also when this tiresome semester ends. I hope things will get better for you too, you awesome reader.

with all the genuine love left in my body,
the lone author of this blog who successfully fixed her body clock.

Will you look at that, I found inspiration to write by actually starting to writing again.


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