That Time All My Infatuation Went to Waste

I have been saying (and am constantly being bombarded of the reminder) that most of my old poems posted here were inspired by an infatuation to a guy; an infatuation which lasted longer than I expected.  

Perhaps it was because I was young, and by culture, was absolutely convinced that monogamy works for everyone (I speak of monogamy as if I was planning to marry this guy LOL). Looking back at it now, it seemed as if this hormonal manifestation of puberty domesticated me like a dog who’s so much dedicated to catching this bone, which is the guy I became fond of.

It might not be an appealing metaphor, but that’s how I really perceive it now.

I admit that I can be too in touch with my emotions; I cry even when I don’t intend too, I laugh at the little things, which my mom hates because it is apparently “unfit for a lady”. And because of this, I stayed truly swooned and ever so loyal like a dog to this guy I endeared so much.

I liked him that much that I only got over him at my second year in college.

And to think that I started liking him since we were in year high school. That was, approximately four years of being a perfect book-based example of a hopeless romantic.

This really makes me cringe and wheeze into laughter, but it’s not because I am ashamed of what I did. I truly admired him for quite some time there. It was just that, I couldn’t believe that I allowed myself to do that. I was so young when I started to like him, I would expect myself swooning over guys from some boy band (though there is very little likelihood that I would do so, even if I haven’t liked this guy), but I didn’t.

So what, why am I suddenly reminiscing this part of my life, a part which greatly influenced my current (and probably the prospective) relationships I have of the opposite sex? Well, as I said, I am not embarrassed of the fact that I liked him for far too long. It was just that, I was a bit disappointed of how he actually, really is.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a total piece of shit.

I was friends with him of course, but you know how it is when you like someone, sometimes you confuse yourself between admiring the person himself/herself and your idea of the how that person should be? Apparently, I’ve been fooling myself on those four years because I wasn’t that mature to identify which is which. I was too busy romanticizing this ideal image I have of him that I forgot that even the flowers you adore have some dead leaves too.

Of course, the flaws can be ‘catalysts’ of our feelings for a special someone. I am not entirely absolute of this, but let’s not dress this thing in glitter too much. Some flaws can be beautiful and some can be a pain in the ass as well. Perhaps, it is a way for the world to teach me a lesson or two, but this particular flaw of waving your privileged card, plus your apparently, deliberate ignorance of things bigger than yourself, and arrogance to people who’s trying to make you stay woke (a.k.a. socially aware) is just plain bullshit.

I am far from perfect myself of course, but man, I don’t like getting petty. That flaw is not superficial.

And upon realizing this flaw that this guy I deeply admired for so long has, I recalled every poem that my very young and naïve heart made and pleaded for, I don’t know which gods, to hear. The nights I spent basking in this acidic self-hate because I became so insecure, thinking of reasons as to why he wouldn’t like me back.

I met other guys the year after I can tell myself that I got over this ‘young and naïve’ type of love. It was pure and honest, but it had never been the same for the other people I admired. I now approach this old and familiar feeling with great caution, as to not to repeat the same mistake I did. I am not up to trading my nights of sleep to basking in bothersome insecurities, and such thoughts of I will never be enough, ever again.

So did my infatuation went to waste? Relative to this flawed kind of admiration I have of him, yes, unfortunately. Do I consider liking him in the first place, to be the biggest and most stupid mistake I ever did? No. Do I regret it?

Well, the only thing that this realization did not give me, is the regret of liking him in the first place. I mean he didn’t turn out to be an absolute asshole of course. I am nobody to hastily judge him and box him with descriptive words I can think of. As far as I am concerned, I think he’s happy with what he is and what he has now. And still, as what I’ve been telling myself ever since, I’m happy if he’s happy. I mean, there’s no reason for me to be sad. Especially now.


P.S. This does not make me any less afraid to truly admire and endear other people. Although yes, despite being cautious ever since, I have times of carelessness still. But let’s not always be scared to have feelings that make us vulnerable sometimes. 

P.P.S. Be critical in identifying which flaw to embrace. Putting too much glitter on everything won’t do you any good.  

Love,
The only author of this blog who’s starting to sleep earlier than her usual. 

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