Control Freak

I cannot believe that I did not have an urge to delete this blog.

I am not a perfectionist, but It’d be a big fat lie to say that my ten fingers cannot almost accommodate the number of times I’ve renovated, deleted, and rebuilt blogs I’ve created in WordPress. (Actually the cycle is more like build-renovate-delete, repeat)

It’s quite unbelievable to be conscious of the fact that I’ve been around WordPress for three or four years now, basically that speaks of me not being entirely a newbie here. I started trying out WordPress in high-school when I got too lazy to write down every “creative moment” I had, it’s also because my penmanship cannot keep up with the pace of my thoughts too. I wrote a lot of literature way back then, I guess it’s perks of being psychologically vulnerable at such a young age. The lit pieces I wrote were published in an online poetry community called AllPoetry even before I created my own space here.

What were the other (bless thy souls) blogs that you’ve created and eventually deleted?

Since I’ve been here for quite some time, I cannot recall the very first blog title I had. The most unforgettable one though, was Pixelblot, and Insert Blog Title Here. (I know, the latter one was genius -sarcasm-). Pixelblot was inspired by the word Inkblot, which reminds me of the word mistake. Why did I choose such a word? It’s because I make lots of mistakes, in writing, sketching, and in life in general. Why replace the word Ink with Pixel? Simple, because I “rewrote” my poems on pictures, and pictures have pixels. (I know, it sounds stupidly simple LOL)

Insert Blog Title Here was just a time when Pixelblot went under renovation. I eventually deleted the whole thing and went hiatus on blogging for a few months. And then I came back with Blurred Rhymes at the end of 2015, Blur the Rhyme is basically Blurred Rhymes version 2.0.

So what’s the big deal?

Being the psychologically vulnerable teen I was, I had a number of “creative moments” which motivated me to create an all-around blog that speaks of the things that I’m deeply interested in. I started making my own magazine-like blog that’s supposed to contain everything I like, such as music I listen to, books I read, places I’ve been, TV series and documentaries I watch. And in that, I’ve always wanted it to become three things; substantial, elegant, and organized. The want to achieve those three, fueled the build-renovate-delete cycle I acquired for being either a perfectionist or a control freak.

Months after deleting a blog, I tried maintaining a very minimalist poem-gallery one at the start of 2016. Its About page  even promised that I will let my poems speak for me. But because those poems were written either two or three years ago, they don’t speak of how and what I am now, so I changed it. Again.

Yep, this one’s going to the trash sooner or later.

It’s pretty much an achievement for me that I’ve renovated this blog only once, and did not decide to end it like I did on my earlier attempts of blogging. Because usually before, changing my blog theme ends with “Yep, this one’s going to the trash sooner or later.“. For you guys who haven’t have the slightest idea of what a theme is, it’s basically the face of a blog; it’s usually the first thing people notices. It’s crucial because it should fit the kind of content you are trying to portray. It sort of builds character to your blog.

If you’ve been here for a few years now, then why the small number of followers?

Actually, contrary to how most people want their blogs to be, I did not initially create a blog for an audience. It may sound very selfish and you may think that I’m an asshole (which I am), but even at the very day I thought of putting up a blog for my content, the number of prospective followers did not occur to me as a priority. Maybe because I think that a larger audience means more criticisms, don’t get me wrong, I welcome criticism with both arms open as long as they’re constructive. Also, a number of “followers”intimidate me, which (knowing myself) will lead to me ending up to be customizing everything I do just to fit everybody’s taste. A thing which I try to avoid.

This is actually ironic because I like pleasing people in real life. It’s one of the traits I have that I found very annoying (although I have to admit, it saves me from a few things like being rejected). I think I am at the epitome of being the selfish human I am when I say that I created this blog for myself, to post my content (It’s too obviously simple, I hope you don’t get offended LOL). Although Blur the Rhyme (my currently blog which I hope will be alive for the year to come or so help me god) is comprised of “thoughts sublimated to be accepted and understood”, I did not mean to do such a thing for the conscious purpose of wanting to be admired for what I do.

For one, we all have different minds which causes us to think differently. I think it’s kind of hard and counter intuitive to create something, let’s say a literature piece, that is meant to please people. Because initially, these kind of things are created by a person because they are intrinsically motivated to do so, which means they do it because they like doing it. If something intrinsic becomes extrinsically motivated, or done because of external rewards, it puts away the passion sometimes.

Secondly, you cannot please everybody, you are not a pizza. Stop trying to be one.

With all this, I think it’s pretty apparent how this blog means to me. It’s just a humble tiny little channel for my thoughts (so please be gentle with it). When I was younger I was too ambitious in envisioning a multifaceted all-around magazine type of blog that was initially meant to both cater my thoughts, and meet the tastes of the audience I cater to. But after a number of tiring attempts in renovating, rebuilding, and deleting blogs, I thought that I’ve gravitated away to what I was passionate about. I loved writing, and expressing myself. I don’t want to write because I was required to, I want to write because I want to share something; a poem, a sentiment, my two cents, information, the things I’ve learned, the beautiful strangers I encounter, places, and lengthy rant-like posts such as this.

 


To more vulnerable moments in life that makes us feel things! *cheers*

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